How to stop enabling a drug addict?
Question by Robert E. Lee: How to stop enabling a drug addict?
So my father is a drug addict but yet my mother and myself continue to enable him. Every time he goes out of a binge and spends every dime we have, we still allow him to come back to our home and enable him by providing food and shelter. This has been going on the past 4 years and even though my mother has finally taken a stand against him, tonight he came back from a binge and yet I can’t stop enabling. My mother has gave him 3 days to get out and refuses to talk to him but yet I snuck upstairs and brought him some food and water. Was this wrong? I don’t know how to stop this, I feel so guilty about being so cold even though he has done many horrible things to my family. Any help please.
I wish it wasn’t so hard to just “cut the ties”. He’s not even my real father, he’s my step-dad but my real father had this same problem and I haven’t seen him in over 7 years. I keep thinking it’s my fault that all of my father figures go off and do drugs. Maybe this is the reason for my enabling? It seems like we’ve put him through every drug treatment possible, we’re out of options but I feel bad about kicking him onto the streets.
What your mom needs to do is get a restraining order against him. If you are under 18, you can call child protective services and they will take care of him right away. Do something now before you regret it. My Dad was a drug dealer, and died when I was 11. You need to tell your mom to be strong, and tell him to either go to a rehab, or she is calling the Police for abuse, then get a restraining order/divorce. Enabling only makes things worse. My Dad borrowed $ 50,000 from my Grandparents and because of that my college education is screwed. That’s what drugs do to you. It’s not your fault, at one time I thought the same thing, this is the time to worry about your MOM. She needs to be strong, and he doesn’t care about you guys, if you keep this end up prettysoon you both will be on the streets. Go to the Police and file a restraining order against him. My Dad died when I was 11, and I have nothing more then hate towards what he put me & my mom through. He needs to be out of the house, so your mom can ge her life back together. It’s weird though. Why do mom’s make the same mistake twice by choosing alcoholic men? My mom did the exact same thing. He did too, in a motorcycle accident due to drinking. Luckly she wasn’t on the motorcycle with him. But I think your mom needs help in this too. But it isn’t your fault at all. It’s HIS
Pick up a phone book and look up substance abuse. They will give you the right answers. DON’T WAIT…if you feel guilty NOW, imagine how guilty you’ll feel if he dies from this or hurts someone else physically, i.e. a car accident.
If you really love this man you will not enable him to destroy himself. It’s as simple as that. Real love is difficult to come by and is hard to express. Just tell him to hit the road.
tuff love, don’t give in, don’t let him him, He does it cause he knows you two will take care of him, as long as you are there to help him you are feeding his addiction
screw him and kick him out. If he won’t go away call the cops. If you really love him you would know this. People never change until live forces their hand. I finally became an adult when my parents threw me out on the street.
stop giving him food, money, shelter, clothes, etc. put him in rehab, don’t just go around suporting him.
If you love your father you have to be strong and do it for him. You have to cut off all contact with him until he goes into rehab and starts attending AA on a regular basis.
Addicts are very manipulative which is the reason you have to cut off all contact with him. You also have to make it clear why. You should tell him that you are worried about his drinking and therefore you have decided to cut off contact until he stops drinking and seeks help. After that you have to hang up the phone or walk away, even if he starts to speak, you can’t listen to him.
However, you need some help to get through a very difficult time as well. You should look up Al-Anon, which is a support group for the family and friends of alcoholics. Attend the meetings at least once a week if you can, they will help give you stregnth and support to do what you have to do.
I know it’s difficult to do that to someone you love, but that’s what you have to do. With an addict of anyking the alcohol or drugs always come first and there isn’t anything they won’t do to get them. Good luck and best wishes, you realize the problem and that in itself is a good sign.
It’s called TOUGH LOVE and it isn’t just for teenagers!
Well, I know how you feel, i lived with a drug addict too. It is hard. It took my mom and dad six years to finally put my sister out when she would do the same thing. What they did was just told her one day, no more help, and they called the psych ward and she got put into the mental hospital for detox and then my family told her any more drugs and she will go back. She went back one time six months later but has since learned her lesson and has been sober, and an active member of society for almost three years.
Contact your local rehab. Call your local NA. That’s Narcotics Anonymous. Talk to the person about doing an intervention on your Dad. What happens is they set up a time to talk to you and your Mom and anyone else who cares or is worried about your Dad. They will tell you how an intervention works and what to expect. The intervention will hopefully get your Dad into rehab. What happens at the intervention is a professional mediates over the intervention and guides everyone on what to say to convince your Dad to get help. If he agrees to go into treatment, then the treatment center can get you and your Mom set up in counseling/classes to teach you how to not enable your Dad.
Best of luck.
you need to check out addiction web sites. its very hard to turn away from someone you love because weve all been told love is unconditional. this is true, but under normal circumstances.you cant turn off your love for someone but this addiction is hurting you and your mom. sometimes you have to help yourself first before you can help someone who doesnt want help. there are ways of dealing with this and you and your mom should seek help from narc-anon or Al-anon . talking to people who are going through the same thing you are will give you ideas on how to proceed. dont beat yourself up over this. you have done nothing wrong and are not to blame.you are not alone. good luck!
How strong are u can u go for gaurdianship.U can Baker Act or Marchmen act them if they are indangering themselves or others(driving under the influence) Get the Family to agree to show in court.Explain u don’t want custody of their life just their health.Judges will thank you.It’s a make it or break it situaton.Not pleasant and a thankless position but how much do u love them.Throwing them out is like a revolving door situation.It has worked here.Best to ya.
There is such a thing as false guilt. Don’t worry, he’ll survive, even if you or your mom kick him out into the streets!
It’s the best thing you’ve ever done for him, if you both really love him. Tell him where to go, detox at a drug detox facility. Give him an address to go to. Then, lock the door out on him. Be firm, not pity him. It never worked. Don’t expect to be doing the same thing to him and expecting him to do something dif!
He will not thank you both now, but, in time to come (min a year or a few years of detox and rehab) he will.
I know how hard it is to feel as though you are turning your back on someone that you love. It’s a good sign that you do realise that you are enabling him though.
My brother has a drug problem and I have to honestly make a really conscious effort not to enable him. It’s so hard because your natural response is to care for and provide for those that you love and it’s heartbreaking to see them without the basic needs and necessities to live.
You do have to understand though, that if you keep enabling him, he will continue to use because it’s “easy” and that you continue to pick up the peices for him and there is no consequence for his action. In his mind he believes that “my family will always love me, I’ll never be homeless” and until he is – he may not understand or want to change.
It’s so hard.
Don’t cross your mum anymore, now she found the strength to take a stand. i get it, you feel guilty about quitting the care and feeding of the man who takes it all and still is a drug addict. OK. Now, you are not responsible for the actions of anyone but yourself. I think you could be angry, and you will be later. So move it up a few years, and get angry at him now. He has caused you loss after loss, and runs with people you would be in danger of. You lost it all to the drug dealer, and it is time to stop. Ultimatum: come back sober or don’t come back here.
Listen, kid, don’t subscribe to the nonsense that you’re enabling your Dad by giving him food and water. I nearly potzed when I heard that.
He’s your father and he’s suffering from an illness called drug addiction. His judgment and impulse control is impaired, but he’s still human.
To avoid enabling him, don’t give him the drug or the money with which to buy the drug. But my God, don’t withhold his maintenance needs like sustenance, shelter, and companionship. Where were you raised? Iran?
But MY GOD feed him, protect him and love him. Has our society become this decadent that food and water are withheld to the addicted? With an attitude like that, what motivation will he have to be sober?
He’s your Dad. He never set out to be a drug addict. He lives in a country awash with drugs. What will you be like 25 years from now? Food for thought. Food for thought.
*Addendum
What is preferable? Dead and sober?
You’re not enabling him. That’s just a bunch of pop psychology crap made up by people who hate drug addicts and will do anything to harm them including convince friends and families that these people are no longer human or worthy of love simply because they enjoy getting messed up.
What you are doing is taking care of him because he needs it. If you weren’t around to take care of him, he’d die on the streets. If you don’t take care of him, his death would be on your hands. He’s not going to quit. You know that. I know that. Your father knows that.
Blaming yourself for being an ‘enabler’ and following that evil pop psychology logic allows you to be guilt free when he dies. The man is sick, but if you can’t deal with it. You need to leave, but don’t blame some silly theory about enabling. Just admit you can’t deal with your father. You can’t love him that much. Just cut off ties and go.
Drug addiction is a terrible problem to have to deal with… I’m sure you know, the only way that your stepdad (and your dad too) will be able to start turning his life around is if he realizes there is a problem, which he won’t do until he hits rock bottom.
Your mom is doing the right thing by turning him out. I know you only want to help, but enabling him is not helping! Your feelings are completely normal in this situation. Check out a Nar-anon group near you – I am putting a link at the bottom. Nar-anon is an oganization which is designed to help the family and friends of addicts learn how to deal with the addiction in their lives (sister organization to NA).
Good luck. I hope you do reach out to find support for yourself. Always remember, NONE of this is your fault.
Former enabler: Call the cops have him arrested. and hopefully he will get into rehab. This is much better than him binging and coming home to nothing. You and your mom need to stop this now. Don’t feel guilty. Put your foot down. This has to stop. In the long run if he stops he will see that you did it because you care.
I don’t think that providing food and water to an addict is “enabling” the addiction. Giving money is another story.
Addiction is a family disease, and both you and your mother have been affected by it. He needs treatment and so do you. Finding him a bed in a detox would be a great first step… not guaranteed to work, but miracles can happen. You may be able to find help for yourself and your mother at Al-
Anon Family Groups. Good luck.
Contact ala-non. It’s a great first step with a helping hand from people who have been there, and in some cases are still right where you are. Learning to have the strength to do what you need to do for yourselves, and for the addict (which is nothing.) You will learn you are powerless over his addictions, and that you need to find ways of caring for yourself. My favorite thing about ala-non was “Let go and let God.” God doesn’t have to be my idea of God or anyone else, just yours. It can be anything but taking on the responsibility for another persons actions. You have control over one person, yourself, and how you act and react.
I will pray that my God watch over you and your Mother and hears your cries for help. Best wishes.
I’m sorry that this is happening to you. My mom was the same and we ended up loosing our home. In my case I had to leave and take care of myself. I did a better job at it then she did. You have a big heart and sometimes it is easier to take care of someone elses feelings then to deal with your own. You said nothing about youself. With all this around you I feel you forgot about yourself. Your mom is trying to do the right thing and give you a clean environment to grow in. It’s okay to show love to your broken father figure. You deserve better. You can give it to yourself. You seem smart enough to get on a computer and look for answers, I bet you already know what to do. You have to break the cylcle. Support your mom in trying to make a new beginning. You don’t have to be cruel just firm in your decision. If your dad was pulling you and your mom under water would you want the both of you to drown to save his feelings? Live and live well.
If he is willing to kick the habit there is a medication called Suboxone. It is expensive and insurances rarely pay for it, but it is used to un-hook drug addicts from hard substances.